Hoover, we have something important to talk about today.
IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY, DUDE.
While we all know nothing gives you more pleasure than refusing to express joy:
I want to impress upon you the importance of being excited about your birthday. Because here’s the thing. Aside from it being cool to celebrate that you exist, your birthday is the one time a year where you get to make EVERYTHING about you and nobody can judge you. I know you’re thinking that everything is always about you, but the unfortunate secret I have to fill you in on is that as you get older, that gets less and less true. Sometimes I’ll go, like, DAYS without being coddled. Cruel and unusual, right? Trust me, it’s THE WORST. But, nonetheless, I always look forward to the time of year when I age because, you know, it’s a personal holiday, what could be better?
So, since you’ve never done the birthday thing before, aside from the day you were actually born, which I think was pretty traumatic and you probably don’t want to talk about, I thought I’d give you some pieces of birthday advice to get you through your very first birthday season.
10 Birthday Rules:
1. Celebrate often. I believe in having at least two birthday parties to ensure that everyone you want around will be able to celebrate with you at least once. Bonus points to anyone who shows up to more than one event.
2. Demand that the people you want to celebrate with you actually do. People are busy and lives are complicated and all that, but really, if there is one time when you get to hold the people you love to a higher standard, it’s your birthday. Am I right? Like, SORRY I LOVE YOU, MY FAVORITE PEOPLE, BUT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY WON’T BE THE SAME WITHOUT YOU THERE. I think it’s totally fair. You are fantastic at being demanding, so this shouldn’t be too hard.
3. Don’t celebrate before your birthday. Look, this one is probably controversial, but I just think having a birthday party before it’s actually your birthday is kind of like lying because you haven’t actually accomplished the task of aging yet. All things in their time, you know what I’m saying?
4. Always have a friend at the party who’ll hold you back when you get a little too wild.
5. Ice cream cake, man. Trust me on this one.
6. This one takes a bit of planning, but try to get a job where you can have your birthday off. There is nothing like not working on your birthday. (Alternatively, just commit to skipping work/school on your birthday — I mean, come on, you’ve earned the day to yourself.)
7. Spend some time on your birthday taking stock of what the last year of your life has been like. New Year’s in an arbitrary time to make resolutions, if you have goals or changes you want to make in your life, why wouldn’t you start at the new year of you? You don’t have to be like Lord Byron and write an intense poem like “On This Day I Complete My Thirty-Sixth Year” about it, but, you know, just ruminate for a hot minute on what you want the next year of your life to be.
8. Maybe it’ll be this year, maybe it’ll be another year, at some point you’re gonna get birthday presents you’re not that into. Be excited anyway. Someone spent at least five minutes thinking of what to get you, and that’s five minutes they could have been trolling Twitter or solving world hunger. Respect that.
9. And on that note, when it comes to presents, remember you’ve already got everything you need:
10. Your birthday season’s only over when you say it’s over.
You with me on all this?
I’m feeling like it’s nap time (mine, not yours) so I’ll leave you here. See you at your party next week, my favorite 1-Year-Old. Study up on these rules until then!